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Fantastic Fables
by
Ambrose Bierce
Fantastic Fables
Fantastic Fables
A MORAL Principle met a Material Interest on a bridge wide enough for but one.
"Down, you base thing!" thundered the Moral Principle, "and let me pass over you!"
The Material Interest merely looked in the other's eyes without saying anything.
"Ah," said the Moral Principle, hesitatingly, "let us draw lots to see which shall retire till
the other has crossed."
The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an unwavering stare.
"In order to avoid a conflict," the Moral Principle resumed, somewhat uneasily, "I shall
myself lie down and let you walk over me."
Then the Material Interest found a tongue, and by a strange coincidence it was its own
tongue. "I don't think you are very good walking," it said. "I am a little particular about
what I have underfoot. Suppose you get off into the water."
It occurred that way.
The Crimson Candle
A MAN lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside and said:
"I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof of your affection and
fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, a married man seeking admittance at the gate
of Heaven is required to swear that he has never defiled himself with an unworthy
woman. In my desk you will find a crimson candle, which has been blessed by the High
Priest and has a peculiar mystical significance. Swear to me that while it is in existence
you will not remarry."
The Woman swore and the Man died. At the funeral the Woman stood at the head of
the bier, holding a lighted crimson candle till it was wasted entirely away.
The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine
A BLOTTED Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said:
"Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the spots upon me are
the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn.
They come of no accident of character, but inhere in the divine order and constitution of
things."
When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose and said:
"Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire approval the explanation
of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks on my own behalf. I, too,
have been foully calumniated by our ancient enemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I
wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the
Mustela maculata
, which is dirty from
birth."
The Ingenious Patriot
HAVING obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled a paper from his
pocket, saying:
"May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing armour-plating which
no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be
invulnerable, and therefore invincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majesty's
Ministers, attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in it for a million
tumtums."
After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him an order on the
Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for a million tumtums.
"And here," said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from another pocket, "are
the working plans of a gun that I have invented, which will pierce that armour. Your
Majesty's Royal Brother, the Emperor of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to
your Majesty's throne and person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The
price is one million tumtums."
Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand into still another
pocket, remarking:
"The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater, your Majesty, but for
the fact that its missiles can be so effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating
the armour plates with a new- "
The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach.
"Search this man," he said, "and report how many pockets he has."
"Forty-three, Sire," said the Great Head Factotum, completing the scrutiny.
"May it please your Majesty," cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror, "one of them contains
tobacco."
"Hold him up by the ankles and shake him," said the King; "then give him a check for
forty-two million tumtums and put him to death. Let a decree issue declaring ingenuity a
capital offence."
Two Kings
THE King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of Bornegascar, wrote
him as follows:
"Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of your Minister from my
capital."
Greatly enraged by this impossible demand, the King of Bornegascar replied:
"I shall not recall my Minister. Moreover, if you do not immediately retract your demand I
shall withdraw him!"
This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to comply he fell over his
own feet, breaking the Third Commandment.
An Officer and a Thug
A CHIEF of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very indignant, and
said he must not do so any more on pain of dismissal.
"Don't be too hard on me," said the Officer, smiling; "I was beating him with a stuffed
club."
"Nevertheless," persisted the Chief of Police, "it was a liberty that must have been very
disagreeable, though it may not have hurt. Please do not repeat it."
"But," said the Officer, still smiling, "it was a stuffed Thug."
In attempting to express his gratification, the Chief of Police thrust out his right hand
with such violence that his skin was ruptured at the arm-pit and a stream of sawdust
poured from the wound. He was a stuffed Chief of Police.
The Conscientious Official
WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely to his business of
placing obstructions on the track and tampering with the switches he received word that
the President of the road was about to discharge him for incompetency.
"Good Heavens!" he cried; "there are more accidents on my division than on all the rest
of the line."
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